Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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