You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
