It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
