Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
