If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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