He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
