Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
