Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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