So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
