I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Randomize
