It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
