She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I supernannyed him into submission
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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