Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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