I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
