I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
