I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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