Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
