were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
