she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
