Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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