Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
