i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
