Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize