they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
