Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
