Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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