I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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