Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
