Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
