Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
