the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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