If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
