You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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