I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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