if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
