I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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