he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
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the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
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Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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