i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
