my mouth tastes like poor choices
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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