My friends, they love my intelligence
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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