I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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