community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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