you didnt know i had herpes?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
