this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
