you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
