I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
