by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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