You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
