He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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