my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
