The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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