My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
